Jokes
A few of my favorite jokes
#1
Interviewer: “Do you think Brazil’s 1970 team can beat today’s Argentina?”
Pelé: “Yes.”
Interviewer: “By how much?”
Pelé: “1-0”
Interviewer: “That’s it?”
Pelé: “Well, most of us are over 70 now…”
#2
A young woman approaches a man on a long train ride: “Excuse me sir, but I just have to ask: Are you, by any chance, Jewish?
Man: “No, I’m not.”
After ten minutes, the woman returns: “Perhaps you are half Jewish?”
Man: “No, not at all.”
After another half hour: “Sorry to bother you again, sir, but are you absolutely sure you’re not Jewish?”
Man: “Ok, you win, I am Jewish.”
Woman: “That’s funny- you don’t look Jewish.”
#3
Jack, a young star at an Ivy league University, received a large grant that allows buying off teaching at a standard rate per course. When he approached the department chair about it, the chair responded: “This is very serious. Let’s discuss in my office.”
In his office, the chair explained: “Jack, Students pay high tuition to interact directly with our world class faculty. If the faculty use grants to buy off teaching and the courses are taught by adjuncts instead, the students are under served. This is against our principles and our values.
… But if you pay double it’s ok. “
#4
A snail goes to the police station to report that he was robbed by a gang of turtles.
Policeman: “Tell me exactly how it occurred.”
Snail: “I can’t recall- it all happened so fast.”
#5
Mark Kac was giving some invited lectures in Ireland when the country was not very prosperous. Nevertheless, his host wanted to show his gratitude, so he collected from colleagues what cash he could, stuffed it in an envelope, and handed it to Kac.
Kac opened the envelope, examined its contents, and exclaimed: “My dear John, this is neither necessary- nor sufficient.”